Beautifully, In Over My Head

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; 

all your waves and breakers have swept over me."

Psalm 42:7

Over the past few years we have experienced God calling us to step out in faith. We have sensed him calling us specifically to adopt and to accept a new ministry call in Ohio- away from our beloved church in Minnesota. These two calls weren't clear or accepted overnight. God used many things to show us his will and move our hearts to trust him and walk forward.

For years Dan has been saying to our Minnesota church "We should always have something going on that stretches us and causes us to trust God beyond what we can do in and of ourselves." And we believe that for the individual believer the same is true.

So over the course of a few years God made clear to us that we were to adopt internationally. Before we said yes to that call I would think about that whole process, all that I could picture was a mountain. A huge, insurmountable mountain of paperwork, money, fears, and unknowns. When we said yes we trusted God to bring us over that mountain, to move that mountain, and show himself faithful.

This past year we sensed God calling us to begin looking for another church to serve. We loved Riverside, our home, our life, our routines, our friends, and the ministry at the church. We were loved, we were still seeing God move and bless the ministry we were doing, we loved them deeply. But we still believed God was calling us somewhere else. We were to trust him again. We trusted that he would show himself faithful.

Though those years of trying to discern the voice of God and beginning to step out in faith there were certain Bible passages and certain songs that seemed to speak into our situation and urge us forward and give us confidence to trust him.

I led worship at Riverside and the song Oceans became a favorite of the congregation and those of us leading. We believe God used the words of the song to call other people to step out in faith in their lives. For many that call was to travel to Haiti and minister to orphans there. For us God urged us to step out in faith in adoption and moving.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

This week I am feeling overwhelmed. 

The mountain of adoption paperwork feels insurmountable. I am responsible for my children's education. There is so.much.to.do to feel like I do that effectively. We are starting a new co-op that will demand a place in our schedule and teaching from me. Dan and I are fully engaged both as individuals and as a family in ministry at the church. So many exciting things happening, but all of them requiring time, energy, and attention from us. I will be leading a new worship team starting in September. Trying to wrap my head around songs, and vision, and details. Our kids schedules- soccer has started again. (can I just say that if I don't sign them up for something, I feel guilty. But every. single. time. I do sign them up for things- I regret it! Anyone other parents there?! :-) ) We are starting a new small group at our house. The craziness of the summer- no the whole year has left me feeling behind and unbalanced in so many areas of my life. 

But all of that. EACH.ONE.OF.THOSE. THINGS- are good. They are things that we truly believe God is placing in our lives for a reason. I am usually ok with cutting things out and reevaluating our commitments and making sure we are not over doing it in our lives. But today- each of these things are good. They are good and hard. And I am starting to believe that these very things are to be what make me rely on and cling to Him as sufficient and provider of all my needs. 

I truly believe that our lives have different seasons. We sang a song Sunday talking about the different seasons of our lives and God's steadiness and faithfulness through them all. I was reminded that he has purposes for each of our seasons. I only have to look back at seasons past to see his hand at work in all of them. The song Sunday was "Desert Song" and it was these words that struck me particularly: 

"All of my life

In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

and

"This is my prayer in the harvest

When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow"

Even during our time in Minnesota we experienced different seasons. Some that felt dry, some that felt like trials, and by the end we experienced this "favor" the song speaks of-  we felt full, we were shown fruit of our labor, and we loved and were loved. 

We left that to begin something new. And the year has been so many things new. We have felt what it means to walk out on water where God calls. We have had and continue to have to trust him in uncharted territory, through fears, lack of faith, questions, and burdens. We are in a season again of being stretched and challenged to something beyond our own strength or abilities. 

As I sang the song Sunday I was reminded that my life is not my own. That I have been filled to be emptied again. I am also reminded of what we have been preaching for years- our lives as believers must be characterized by faith- by pursuing his purposes above our own and trusting in him beyond what we can accomplish. 

So this week as I wade through the paperwork and try to fill the other roles faithfully I am reminded of my need. I know deeply how much I need him to do any of that well. I am trusting that he will use these things for the good of his Kingdom and for making me more like him. 

I heard this great song this morning and was encouraged that feeling overwhelmed or  feeling "in over my head" can bring more glory to Him and cause me to trust and rely on him more. 

And as Paul says, 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

2 Cor. 4:7

A New Direction

This year has been a whirlwind. Most of the time my mind is swirling with what I have to do, difficult emotions in response to major life changes, boxes to be unpacked, children to educate, decisions to make, people to meet, the next meal to be made, major decisions to be processed and prayed for, packing for the next cross country trip, preparing physically and emotionally for our next guests, remembering what "home" we are going home to, trying to find peace and quiet and simple moments of quiet in the midst of all of that.

In November of this past year we made the decision and shared with our church and dearest friends we were moving. That set into motion a couple of months of packing, selling, a house, and saying goodbye to deeply loved people.

Then we moved across the country.

Lived out of suitcases for a month (and in a hotel and at different families houses).

Moved into a condo- with around 1/8 of our things for a few weeks.
Received more of our things and lived with around 1/2 of our belongings for 5 months.

During that time. We began a relationship with a new congregation. Continually meeting and getting to know new people, a new area, and some kind of new daily norm.

During those 5 months we had 5 different groups of people visit us. (which was sweet comforting relief and joy in a somewhat unsettled time).

We made 3 cross country trips (2 Louisiana, 1 Florida) and MANY shorter trips (Indiana, West Virginia, Toledo).

We re-habbed the church manse. Three weeks of many 12-14 hour days cleaning, hauling, painting, painting, painting, fixing plumbing, weeding, cleaning gutters, changing light fixtures, changing outlets, and much much more!

We moved AGAIN into the church manse.

We got MORE of our things from storage. So living now with around 3/4 of our belongings.

Joined homeschool groups. Met people.

Selected and ordered Curriculum for all three kids for our coming year.

Explored the area.

Tried to do school.

Supported Dan as he has initiated many changes and worked to understand the congregation and the dear people in the flock.

We were smacked in the face with cancer. Both Dan's mom and our brother in law were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other. Watching them suffer through intense cancer treatments and all that this disease brings to a person and their loved ones.

Emotions flood in and out of all of this. Bringing complexity to an already maxed out life situation. Excitement for the new. Anticipation of what God will do in this new call and joy at all he is already doing in the church and us. Sadness. Missing our Minnesota friends and our life there daily. Fear and pain for loved ones suffering physically. Major discomfort in not feeling settled and lacking a "normal" routine and sense of home.

And right in the middle of all of that we got a phone call.

All of our work, our hopes, our dreams for our African children ended. As I described in the previous post our agency informed all 50 families in the Ethiopia program we would need to move on. They could not guarantee the state of adoptions in Ethiopia would improve and they felt that the likelihood of us bringing home our children was slim.

We spent the next month processing and praying. We have long felt a burden for and calling toward Africa. So we explored any other possibility there. We found an agency out of Florida that we researched thoroughly and were ready to walk forward in their very new Uganda program. The day we decided to begin the woman I had been closely in contact with from that agency emailed and said they are pausing a bit in their Uganda program due to political circumstances surrounding international adoption there.

Ugh.

Discouragement was at an all time high in those days.

Our second choice was to explore the China program with our original agency. If we stayed at the agency we could transfer a bit more of the money we had paid into our Ethiopia program and we hoped there might be some ease with paperwork since we were already in their system.

I called and talked through the China program with their contact person. China is a special needs program. All children referred from China will have some form of a special need. Some very mild and correctable and other more severe.

We filled out a special needs preference form. To do this I had to research SO MANY medical conditions just to understand the words on the page in front of me! Then we had to mark the conditions we would be open to in our potential child. This is a strange and difficult thing to do. We  tended to mark conditions that were more mild or correctable. We have to be realistic with already having three children and believing we will adopt again in the future.

So I called the China contact from our original agency. I had 20 questions for her and expected a long and fruitful conversation. I was more than surprised when 2 minutes in she says "I have read through your special needs preferences and really I don't see any of these in the children I refer."

WHAT?! We marked 30 different conditions! And I have continually monitored child advocacy sites where I see kids with all of these conditions listed daily who are in need of adoption from China.

We fairly quickly and awkwardly ended our phone call and I just sat and cried.

So discouraged, so frustrated, so many questions.

I immediately decided I would just go on the child advocacy site "Rainbow Kids" and start inquiring about children on there. Each child on there is connected with an American agency looking to find a family for them.

I started sending messages about particular kids to different agencies. With 10 minutes I had an email from Amy at Lifeline Children's Services in Birmingham AL. Her message said, "I am around right now, any chance you are available to talk on the phone now?"

So I called.

And we were given hope and direction. She explained their China program and their agency. And as she talked I knew this was it. I had looked into Lifeline when we began our adoption journey 3 years ago for their Uganda program. They are a known and reputable Christian agency. Their China program is extensive and experienced. They have partnerships with MANY individual orphanages, and the government of China has such a good relationship with them they have entrusted them to privileged lists of children to advocate for. Their mission for their agency is motivated by their relationship with Christ and a vision to live out the Gospel. They do mission work in all of the countries they work in and most of the phone calls I have with anyone from Lifeline we pray before getting off and they encourage us from a place of mature faith.

I filled out an application that day.

We began the process of leaving our original agency and starting new with Lifeline. We were refunded some of the money we paid to our original agency.

For the most part it is like starting over. However 2 things are different and bring a bit of hope to an otherwise depressing task.

1. I have done this before. I have a sense for how to wade through the paperwork process. I know the terminology and we already have many of the needed materials from our previous paperwork.

2. China is significantly different than Ethiopia. China is a Hague country. This means they are a part of the Hague convention. It is an international convention that countries can become a part of if they meet certain criteria and its purpose is to help ensure ethical international adoptions. All of the children to be referred are already in the Chinese system and fully paper ready to have their adoptions  processed and be matched with families. Also China has been doing this for a long time and the process, the system and the timeline are predictable. Also in China adoptions you don't sit on a wait list with other families in the program. You are matched individually from the LARGE number of children already waiting for a family. You can be matched with a child anytime in the process, either now as we do the paperwork or after the paperwork is done and submitted. All of this gives us hope that the process will be faster, more predictable, and smooth.

It took me 6 months to complete all of the paperwork for our Ethiopia adoption. I am shooting for 4 months this time!

Right now I am again up to my ears in paperwork, meetings, checklists, trainings and jumping through hoops daily.

Our next step is to complete another home study. We have been accepted into a local agency who will complete the home study for us. Since Lifeline isn't in OH we have to find someone who will do the home study here and work with our Lifeline representative. We feel confident with this agency and other Lifeline families who live in OH have recommended them.

We would love your prayers.

I will be keeping this site updated as we walk through each step.

For now please pray for:

1. The paperwork to be smooth and gathered quickly.
2. For our home study. For the social worker that we will be assigned, each home visit, the paperwork for that, that timing would be quick.
3. For our future child.
4. That we would keep our eyes fixed on eternal things. That we would persevere and remain hopeful. For increased faith and trust in His good plan.

Worn

Friday afternoon we participated in a conference call with our agency. The call was a private meeting with our agency director, the two Ethiopian program representatives from our agency and all of the families who are currently waiting in the Ethiopia program through our agency. (their are around 50 families waiting for children in our agency). The reason for the call turned out to be the worst of all the options we had anticipated the agency bringing to us. They have decided to end their Ethiopia program and pull out of the country. They are currently one of only a few left still in Ethiopia. They stayed as long as they could with the hopes that the state of adoptions in the country might turn around but have come to the painful decision that it does not appear it is going to anytime soon and the agency simply cannot continue to stay afloat financially with no children to refer to the waiting families. Our agency is staying for the immediate time to help those families who have referrals complete their adoptions but will not (or at least to not anticipate) having any new referrals for the rest of us.

We were given options as to what we can do in response to this new reality. 

1. Stay in the program. This is a huge risk. They are in no way even hinting there will be any more referrals, they are in fact telling us the opposite. You would have to sign an affidavit acknowledging you are aware of this risk. 

2. Change to another one of our agencies adoption programs. The options this agency has are: China, Nepal, or domestic. We do not meet the criteria for Nepal so for us realistically the options here are China or domestic. 

3. Leave this agency and pursue an adoption through another agency who may offer programs in other countries in the world. 

If we stay with this agency money will be transferred to the new program. If we leave we will be refunded close to the same that would transfer. 

We are worn. 

We are left feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. 

We have so many more questions (for God) than answers today. 

Though we knew this was a possibility. (as it has been slow and unstable for most of the time we have been in the program) we are still feeling stunned. It is hard to wrap our heads around what this means for us.

All of the work. 

All of the money. 

All of the waiting. 

All of our hearts poured out. 

All of our hopes- 

dashed. Broken. Unfulfilled. 

We are trying to understand this and desperately seeking God's guidance and direction as to where we go now. What we do next. 

Part of me wants to curl up and just not move in my tiredness, hopelessness, confusion.
I want to give in to those feelings and in to the fear of "what if?".

What if this happens again?
What if we were wrong?
What if there is no child at the end of another paper chase, wait, years praying, hoping?

And this is where I stop. This is where I confront my feelings with bold, clear truth. My feelings must always be in check, held accountable to God's word, and guided firmly by his truth. I must examine this chaotic blur of emotions in the light of his word. I must ask him to remind me, to bring clarity to this situation and to the feelings that come with it.

That is where we are. We are stopping. We are examining. We are remembering. We are seeking. We are STILL waiting on him.

I have to say I have not ever "heard" God speak in an audible voice. But there are times (usually through his word- the Bible) that I know that he is speaking into my life. However, this past week during the conference call with out agency I was crying. I was feeling panic and exhaustion as our representatives made their announcement. And the strongest sense of two words came into my head.
I "heard":

TRUST ME. 

Those words interrupted the jumble of panicky thoughts overwhelming me as we processed this news. It created a space for me to pause, take a deep breath, and seek him. What does he say? How has be spoken into the hard times of his people who have come before me?
To Israel he said these things:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"For I am the Lord, your God, 

who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 

'Do no fear; I will help you.'

' Do not be afraid...

I myself will help you...'"

Isaiah 41: 10, 13, 14

"In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice;

he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on the earth."

Isaiah 42:3,4

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, 

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; 

I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth."

Isaiah 42:16

"Forget the former things; 

do not dwell on the past.

See I am doing a new thing! 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:18,19

"Because the sovereign Lord helps me, 

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore I have set my face like flint, 

and I know I will not be put to shame."

Isaiah 50:7

I believe these truths about God are the same for his people today. So I am trusting his sovereignty over this circumstance and returning to the call he originally placed on our lives to adopt, to care orphans, to advocate for the oppressed. I am remembering. I am reestablishing my conviction and certainty of this call on our lives.

"... if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, 

then your light will rise in the darkness, 

and your light will become like the noonday. 

The Lord will guide you always and he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land

and will strengthen your frame."

Isaiah 58:10

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:

to look after orphans and widows in their distress...."

James 1:27

"He defends the cause of the fatherless... "

Deuteronomy 10:18

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."

Isaiah 1:17

"... those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that make you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry 'Abba, Father'. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."

Romans 8:14-16

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families..."

Psalm 68:5-6

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40

So, here we are. Seemingly starting over. Facing what appears to be an obstacle in the road though maybe it is just a twist in the road that we didn't expect but He had planned all along. We are now setting our face like flint. We are seeking him and his ways. And pressing on. 

We would deeply covet your prayers. 

Would you pray:

- That we would be given clear direction. 

- That we would have clear confirmation of that direction and complete unity as a couple. 

- That God might surprise us with this next phase being miraculously shorter than before. 

-For the children we are working towards. 

- For what we need to begin again. Strength, enthusiasm, conviction, money, open doors. 

- What country, what agency, what child. 

- Wisdom

- For all of the other families in our agency and the others who are leaving Ethiopia and trying to figure out where to go next. 

- For the children of Ehtiopia, who will not be adopted because of these decisions. 

This song describes how we are feeling a bit today: 

We are still here.

We are still here.

It has been 8 months since my last post on this blog but not a day or hour goes by that our adoption is not on our hearts and minds. We knew that the international adoption process would include a difficult time of waiting. We also knew that the international adoption process could involve many unexpected and difficult things. We had hoped that out adoption process would be smooth and trouble free and the process quick but this has not been the case. We have been stuck in this season of waiting for much longer than we thought and the state of international adoption in Ethiopia has been unstable and far more complicated than we ever thought it would be. I have thought about updating this blog for months but really didn't know what to say. We are waiting. Nothing is happening.

Last week Dan talked with our representative from our agency. The conversation was honest but discouraging. It left us feeling even more out of control and asking God "what now?" "Anything?" "Keep waiting?" "Is there something different?"

Our representative basically said this:
The state of international adoptions in Ethiopia is not good. The people in political office currently are NOT "pro international adoption"and are/have been working to make adopting children harder and slower than it was previously.

I have to believe that part of the motivation for this is of good intention- to make the process safer for children. To ensure that children are not carelessly being put up for adoption. That people are not using children for financial gain and that children being adopted are actual legitimate orphans. However we are also learning that the motives behind slowing down adoptions and making them more difficult may not always be about the kids but more about there own political bias.

After a number of gatherings in Ethiopia in the past year those in political power concluded they country relies on the funds coming in from other countries and agencies matching families with orphaned children from Ethiopia. Some of the money that we pay to our agency goes directly to the orphanages that our agency works with. That money helps feed, clothe, support all of the children living in the orphanage. Many/ most of whom will never be adopted. Because the number of orphans is so high in Ethiopia the country does indeed rely on money coming in from those agencies to help care for the children in these orphanages. So that may be the biggest reason that some in political office do not close the doors completely to international adoption in Ethiopia.

Right now they are simply creating policy (i.e.. hoops to jump through and paperwork to process) that makes the process significantly more difficult and significantly slower. It is a bigger and more complicated process for all levels involved. So we are seeing that slow down now and have been for over a year now. Very few cases processed. Very few children matched with families. Not just with our agency but across the board.

Our representative was very honest with Dan on the phone last week. Many agencies are pulling out of Ethiopia because they simply cannot afford to stay. If they do not have have children to match with their waiting families those waiting families start to leave the program. When families leave the program it becomes more difficult to stay financially afloat. When the agencies cannot make it financially they will stop their Ethiopian adoption programs.

In our time in the program our agency has had to close the doors on it's transition home in Ethiopia. This was a place where children who had been matched with a family came while waiting to come home. This transition home employed many Ethiopian people who had to lose their jobs when the home closed. But the agency simply couldn't afford to keep it open.

Our representative said that many agencies have pulled out of Ethiopia already and that those left are just hanging on as long as they can. Our agency is currently one of them. However it is hard to tell how long they will be able to "hang on" and stay afloat financially.

Dan's conversation with our representative brought me to my knees. I am deeply grateful for her honesty and transparency. What she had to say was just so far from what we hoped to hear. And this news brings so many more unanswered questions to our table. This news leaves me feeling even more powerless than I was already feeling and in the first couple of days left me questioning.

"What in the world is this supposed to mean for us?"
"Did we hear God right?"
"Are we mistaken?"
"Should we even be doing this?"
"Why? Why? Why?"
"What now?"


As I sought God and brought these questions to him I truly wanted to make sure we were indeed in line with his will. If we had been wrong, if we had done something out of his will, I just wanted to know and be given direction as to where we should actually move from here.

I truly ache for these children to come home. But is that just something in me? Is that something selfish and not what God has for our family? Maybe I listened to my own desires and not to Him. I brought these things honestly before him. Asking for him to give us direction. Asking for confirmation of this call. Or leading us elsewhere.

And this is what I "heard":

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. 
Commit your way to the Lord; 
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, 
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; 
do not fret when men succeed in their ways, 
when they carry out their wicked schemes. 

Wait for the Lord and keep his way. "

Psalm 37: 4-7, 34

God's truth spoke into the confusion. His clear voice into the muddled chaos. He reminded me of all that he did when initially showing us we were to adopt and by miraculously providing for us each step of the way. Every page I turned in the Bible seemed to say: wait. Be strong, take heart, and wait on him.

- Commit our ways to him.
- Trust in him.
- Be still
- Wait patiently for him.
- Keep his way.
- He will: give us the desires of our hearts and make the justice of our cause shine like the sun.


I believe that Satan wants the world to turn a blind eye to the poor, the weak, the fatherless. I believe it was his voice whispering to give up. Satan's voice whispering it's too hard and you must have heard wrong. And that our turning aside from the small role we believe God has called us to play in his work on behalf of the oppressed and fatherless would be actually be wrong.

God has continued to remind me of what he has already done to make clear his call on our lives in regards to adoption. He is continuing to confirm this each day I come to his word. He even brought another believer into my life (standing on the sidelines during our kids soccer practice). I had no clue this person was a Christian and no clue that both of her children were adopted. But she is and they were and there in the middle of the soccer fields she shared her story and she spoke encouraging, life giving words into our situation:

It is hard, but HE is faithful. It is unknown and uncertain but HE knows it all. And in the end is is all WORTH IT.

And God in his wisdom took us through those questions and answers through the past couple of weeks so that we would be a bit more prepared for what is happening tomorrow.


Yesterday an email was sent by our agency to all of the families in the Ethiopian program announcing a conference call to held tomorrow- Friday to discuss "the current state of adoption and what that means for our families."

It doesn't sound good. I don't know exactly what the call will entail. It may be a repeat of Dan's conversation with our representative or it may be that they are closing the program.

Some days I just want to scream. Some days I want to cry. Some days I just feel a panicked anxiety over the "hows" the "whens" the "whys?" But today God has given a peace.

Because he is still good. He is still in control. He will fulfill his purposes and keep all of his promises. 

We are asking for your prayers.

- For the call tomorrow. For us to hear the news with discernment. For us to ask the right questions. For us to hear God's voice.

- For us to be given what we need to "wait on him".

- For clear direction.

- For perseverance.

- For increased faith and trust in His purpose and timing.

- For some movement- anything bringing us closer to bringing our children home.

- For hope.


I read these words this morning:

"We do not want you to be uninformed brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. 
We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 

Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. 

But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. 

On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. 

Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

2 Corinthians 1:8-11

We are not facing the same kind of danger that Paul was referencing here in these verses. But we can relate to him in that what we are facing feels, at times, like more than we can endure. We have felt hopeless and have felt despair. But like Paul we are believing that these times and these troubles are happening that we might not rely on ourselves but on God- who raises the dead.

We are setting our hope on him.

We are asking (like Paul asked the Corinthians) that you continue to pray for us and for our children.

And we are looking toward the day ahead that we get to see God's gracious favor granted in response.

A Hope Deferred

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

We are living in a time of deferred hope. We had always known that once the adoption paperwork was completed that we would enter a time of waiting. This season- the one we are in currently- has come but in a way we did not expect. This season of waiting is still a season of waiting but one filled with discouragement and void of hope. 

You see, we expected to wait. We also expected to watch (even slowly) other families in our agency get referrals, and we expected to hear of their court dates and travel adventures. We expected to move along a list (even slowly) toward the goal of getting our own referral. But in this season of waiting all movement has stopped. We are not watching other families get referrals. We are not hearing of their court dates and travel adventures- because they are not happening. Ethiopia is in the middle of one of the greatest slow-downs in their international adoption history. Since January of this year the government has been creating new policies and procedures regarding international adoption. They are both political tactics and created to help keep children safe and families in tact. All that it has done however is virtually stop all movement in the adoption community. Children are not being referred to waiting families. The papers are not being signed. The court dates are not being assigned. A few cases are being processed- but no new cases or referrals happening. In theory the government of Ethiopia has stated they do not want to (and truthfully- cannot support their orphans with international adoption) close international adoption. However in practice- they are simply not happening at the moment. 

Meanwhile through a Facebook group of all waiting Ethiopia families from our agency, we are watching families leave the program altogether. They are leaving as they lose hope. They are leaving in their discouragement. They are leaving in the uncertainty of adoptions in Ethiopia. 

I have been quiet here on this blog as I have watched these things unfold over the past 6 months. I have honestly wrestled internally. I do not know how to pray. I do not know what to do. I do know my heart aches. I do know I long for some hope in this process. I long for some direction. 

I find myself returning to the basics of our call. What do we actually know? What has God called us to? We believe fully that we are called to bring children into our family through adoption. We long to be a family for a child who has none. Our hearts still break for orphans in this world. We still desire to grow our family. 

So, I write this post to say, I have no news. There is no movement to report. We have no signs of hope  or joy to share with you. We are in a time of hope deferred. We are praying for direction. We are praying for children. 

Would you join us? 

Our agency has informed us they are looking into other African countries as possible places to process adoptions. We feel strongly called to Africa. However we are open to other African countries should the opportunity present itself. 

Would you pray for our agency as they look into other African possibilities? Would you pray that if a pilot program should open- we would know clearly if we should change countries? 

Would you pray for some signs of hope? 

Would you pray for some movement? Either in our Ethiopian program or joining another? We long to feel as if we are making some process. We long to feel like we are getting closer to bringing our children home. 

Would you pray that we are personally able to fix our eyes and hearts on Jesus? Would you pray that we remain hopeful and that we wait well? 

Would you continue to pray for our future children? Pray for their protection. For their birth parents. 

Pray that we would be:

Hearing God Say "No"

I always leave Ann Voskamp's blog blessed- today is no different. She writes today on receiving a "no" from God. You can read her full post here:

What to Do When You're Told "No"

She writes this"

"Instead the tears would be the kind we shed when we see how God can transform even a painful “no” into a glorious “YES!”

It’s a divine mystery: When we say and hear “no” freely, we give God room to work, to amaze us, to give us back to each other again.

And even when love says “no” along the way, it always leads us to a greater “yes” in the end."

I immediately think of times that God has said "no" in my life. I have three beautiful children here and I have 2 in heaven. I have lost children 2 times to miscarriage. The first was between Caleb and Sophie and the 2nd was just one year ago. At the time, I didn't understand "why". And maybe I still don't, but I do look back now with a different perspective. God said "no" to both of those pregnancies. Sophie was conceived shortly after my first miscarriage. Sophie- her beautiful and precious life fills everyday with joy. I simply couldn't imagine this life without her in it. She was and is the very beautiful "yes" after a painful "no". 

 Shortly after we lost our 2nd baby to miscarriage we made the decision to adopt. We felt strongly about adoption and planned to do so "one day". However going through another miscarriage and even the questions of another safe pregnancy for me brought the call to adopt to the forefront and helped us to realize the time was "now".  We said "yes" to God's call in our life to adopt and are already experiencing him and his glorious "yes" after another painful "no". 

When our children are home and this process over, I assume I will have an even greater appreciation and praise for the "no" we experienced last year- in the same way I praise God for the 1st "no" and our amazing daughter born 10 months later. 

Trusting God in each "no" for an even greater "yes."

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:20

February Wait List Number

We just received our February wait list numbers from our adoption agency and we moved 6 spaces on the list! We are now at number 64!!