Regarding Referrals

A couple of days ago our Lifeline social worker sent me an email right before she went home for the day. In it she told me that she was about to post the profile of a "Special Focus" child but since we had marked "maybe" to his special need in our paperwork she wondered if we might want to see his file to review as possibly our child! We read his profile and saw his sweet picture and said "yes!" we'd love to see the file. She told us in that email that if we were interested she would send the complete file first thing in the morning. 

So we stared at his precious face and wondered if this little one was "ours". I set to work researching his special need as thoroughly as I could and quickly became filled with uncertainty. This need was much much bigger, and long term than we had anticipated. However I truly believe if God has a child for us, no matter the need, he will give us all we need to care for them and the blessing will outweigh any difficulty. So we kept praying and I sought the counsel of other adoptive families in our agency's private Facebook group as well as the advise of a staff member at Cincinnati Children's International Adoption Clinic as well as the prayers of folks in our life. 

The next morning I still had uncertainty and a lack of peace. We read through his entire file multiple times. Praying over this little one and asking for clarity. I read through the almost 30 comments from more experienced adoptive families and kept praying for direction and peace if this was our child. No peace. Still uncertainty. So I was prepared to suggest to Dan that we just sit on this and keep praying for a day or two when I got another email from our social worker letting us know that another family had placed a hold on this little guy's file. Meaning another family is in the beginning stages of possibly pursuing him for adoption! She told us that if we wanted to put our names in the pool as a possibility if this family couldn't move forward for some reason we could. God gave clarity in that moment. We needed to wait. This little one has a family who is likely more prepared to meet his needs and God has another child for us. 

So how does this whole referral thing work? 

All of the China program is a "Special Needs" program. However there are two basic lists our agency is working from. There are children who are considered "Special Needs" and those considered "Special Focus." The terminology does not particularly help in explaining what this means. 

"Special Focus" kids are children with more moderate to severe special needs or older children. These kids are typically harder to place because of this. Our agency has lists that we can review at all times of Special Focus kids. They are trying to advocate for them and place them in families. Tons of adoptive families find their children from reviewing the profiles of these children. The little boy we reviewed yesterday was from this list of children our agency is advocating for. 

The second group is called "Special Needs". These children all have more mild and correctable special needs. Our agency receives these files (groups of them weekly I believe) and they are in our agency's hands for 3 weeks then they go back into Chinese system. So in that time our agency works to match these children with families who are waiting to be matched. You cannot be matched with these children until after you are "Logged In". (which we were a few weeks ago) Unlike the Special Focus children- if we wanted to pursue a child posted there we could have all the way through our adoption process. 

Our social worker has document in our file with around 100 special needs listed. We had to check "yes", "no", and "may consider" for each. We researched on our own every condition and we had consultation with our adoption physician at Cincinnati Children's and she went through the list helping us feel sure about each thing we checked. This is what our social worker is looking at when trying to match families with children. 

What are we waiting for now?

Yesterday I talked with our social worker about the next steps. Next week the governmental offices in China who handle orphan children will be closed due to Chinese New Year. So we do not expect any new Special Needs files next week. But it should resume the following. Our social worker will call me when she thinks she has a file that matches us. She will give me brief run-down on the phone and ask if we would like to review the file. Now at this point the clock starts. For an official referral from the Special Needs list there are time limits. We have 24 hours to review the file. In this time if we are serious about this child we will email the file to our adoption Physician and she will review the file for us and get back to us her best assessment of the file. She will tell us any red flags she sees medically. She is so experienced in this area that she knows trends in diagnosis and mis-diagnosis in China and how certain medical conditions are likely connected to others ect. This all must be done in the 24 hours. If we want to move forward from the end of that 24 hours we have 48 hours to submit an official LOI (Letter of Intent) to the Chinese government. This is us saying "We intend to pursue this specific child for adoption." 

I told our social worker that if she sees any kids from the Special Focus list that she thinks might be a good fit for us to pass them along too. 

So we are still waiting. However we feel that we are really really close. Our social worker said she was looking yesterday at the current waits for referrals and really 2 months is on the longer end. We have been logged in 2 and half weeks now. We know nothing will happen next week. So the following week we will be close to a month. 

Through this emotional 24 hours I feel better prepared to receive another file. The advice I got from other adoptive families was so good and so insightful I feel I have a much better perspective on how to discern in this matching phase. I am thankful for the prayers of the people in our life. I feel more confident that God will give us what we need to know with certainty and peace when we are to say "yes" and walk forward. 

So, we'd love your continued prayers. We are close. Anticipation is at an all time high in our house. 

Thanks for supporting us and walking through this with us! 

On the Brink of Something Beautiful

Yesterday my phone rang. I looked and saw that it was our social worker, Jenna. My heart stopped and I hesitated knowing this call likely meant something big for us. Jenna called to let us know that we had officially been "logged into" the electronic system China uses in their international adoption program. I don't fully understand the in's and out's of this- but I do know it is a moment we have been waiting for and that it officially means we have turned a corner in our adoption. 

This date is known in the Chinese adoption world as "LID". (Logged in date) The reason that this date is so significant is that from this point on we can receive a referral. In fact that is the official stage we are in now- waiting to be matched with a child. For the type of special needs adoption we are pursuing in China- we had to wait for all of the paperwork to be completed and our file to be in the Chinese system before we could be matched with a waiting child. So now that we are logged in our social worker, Jenna can present a file of a child to us that she thinks is a good match for our family.  

Adoption from the country of China is exclusively a "Special Needs" program. The needs of the children however range from very very minor (things most of us would not consider special needs) to severe. 

In the beginning of our Chinese adoption process we filled out a form called a "Special Needs Consideration List." 

This was a long list of various types of special needs. We had to check either "yes", "no", or "maybe" to every need listed. Our agency has special partnerships with around 12 orphanages they are receiving files from those orphanages regularly of children who are available for adoption. Our agency also has been given another list by the Chinese government of children available for adoption. There is also a master "shared list" of all the children available for adoption in the country. I believe all agencies have access to this shared list. Most of Lifeline's families are matched with children in either Lifeline's personal list or from one of their partnership orphanages.  These are the files our social worker Jenna is reviewing and seeking to find a match for our family based on the special needs list we filled out at the beginning of the process. 

This reality brings us right to the edge of something we have not yet experienced in our very long adoption process. 

We have been in this for almost 3 years now. It has been one of the most significant, difficult, surprising, challenging and soul shaping things we have ever done. In these three years we have trudged through, paperwork- mounds and mounds of paperwork, through financial uncertainties, waiting- long, long, seasons of waiting, hoping, praying, trusting, both in our Ethiopian adoption and this Chinese one. One thing we have not yet experienced in process in Ethiopia or China is the name and face of a child. This the brink we are standing on now. 

We are waiting- yes- this is something we are well aquatinted with in the adoption process- but what we are waiting for is new. The very next phone call I receive from Jenna will likely reveal the name and face of our child. Our little one is the next step. A real heart, a real story, a precious child that will come into our family. 

When we began this process 3 years ago we anticipated a year to a year and a half journey. We anticipated bringing 2 little ones home in that time. Two years into the process and almost no movement toward that goal our hearts started to numb a bit. It is really hard to stay excited and expectant with no signs of hope that it will ever happen. So somewhere we had to buckle down and just persevere. Joy and anticipation were pushed aside in an attempt to protect our hearts from continual disappointment.   

 

We definitely felt emotions during that long, long, season of waiting and uncertainty, but they were more emotions of fear, panic, and ache. 

We are moving into a new place. There is a light ahead. We are feeling joy and anticipation return. We are getting close to seeing God's promises fulfilled and our prayers answered. He has been fulfilling promises and answering prayers all along but to things we never expected and in ways that were never a part of our plans or dreams. What is coming soon is a hope realized. 

We have learned and continue to learn more about our Shepherd. We have gotten to know his heart, his purposes, his ways through this journey. He is good and what he does is good. His plans are better than my own and he is always Sovereign. There is no comfort or certainty in this life or in anything the world has to offer. It's only found in Him. Through this journey I am learning my only hope is in Him. We have had to trust him with everything. Trust him with our plans, our dreams, our timing, for provision, for comfort, protection, and for our child. And He has proven himself faithful with all of those precious things. He has been stronger and more powerful than anything difficult thing we have faced and He has always been better. Better than my plans, dreams, and timing. 

"I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart 

and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:13, 14

"But I trust in you, O Lord;

I say, 'You are my God'

My times are in your hands."

Psalm 31:14,15

Would you continue in prayer for us? 

- Join us in praise. God has been faithful. He has been good and is Sovereign. Join us as we praise him for this new season. 

- Would you pray for our child? They are living somewhere in China right now. Please pray that God would protect them, and provide someone to love them deeply and bond with them. Please pray their needs are being met. Please pray for their little heart- that God would be preparing them to join our family and for the pain and confusion that will mean to them initially as they will have to leave the only things, people, and home they have ever known. 

- Would you pray for the people who are caring for our child now? Pray they are loving and kind and give our little one what they need in this time. 

- Would you pray that God would make it abundantly and supernaturally clear to us when we see the face of the child he purposes to be in our family? We could be shown a file and it not be the right child for us and then shown another file after that. This is possible in this kind of adoption. Our social worker may show us a file of a child that isn't who we are to adopt. (maybe the special needs are more than we feel we could handle)  We want to be led very clearly to the child God has for us. It would be wonderful if it is the very first file Jenna shows us. 

- Please pray that God would provide what we need for the rest of the adoption. There is a financial reality before us that is greater than we have in our hands. Pray for our grant applications- that we receive some. Pray for our coming fundraisers. 

- Pray for the details of more paperwork, grants, travel plans, decisions, ect. 

- For our hearts- that we would all be prepared to love this child and know how to parent them through hard things. 

- For Caleb, Sophie, and Levi. That they too would know our Lord more intimately and real in their lives through this all. That they would be filled with love for their new sibling. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than 

all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus

throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Amen."

Ephesians 3:20

Next Steps

Hi friends! So here is an update where we are in the whole process and what is coming next.

As most of you know we have completed everything needed for our home study. Our local home study social worker Katie has made all corrections on the home study and we are only waiting on one child abuse clearance from the state of Ohio. They are notoriously slow (like 6 weeks to come back- when some of our other states came back the same day!). As soon as the clearance comes in she will send finalized official copies to us and to our primary agency Lifeline.

Since we knew that the Ohio clearance would take long the moment we were done gathering home study paperwork we immediately began gathering the needed paperwork for our China Dossier. I finished our Dossier paperwork in 2 days! I sent all of that paperwork to our Lifeline social worker, Jenna. She then began to make sure the Dossier paperwork is in order. She also corresponded with our local social worker and preemptively approved the home study (minus the Ohio clearance). Both social workers have been so unbelievably efficient with time and we are so grateful! Basically both large packets of paper are approved and waiting.

So the day that the Ohio clearance comes in and Katie will send Lifeline the official home study to our Lifeline worker Jenna. Jenna will then send in our (already filled out and waiting) 1800a application. This is a petition to the U.S. immigration department to adopt a child from China. This cannot be sent until we have a completed home study.

Then we wait. It is taking around 2 months to get 1800a approval.

After the approval comes in our China Dossier will be sent to China! Shortly after we will be officially logged-in to the China system. This is known as LID (log in date). This date is significant because from this point on our social worker will begin looking for a referral for our family. A referral is a child that seems to be a good match for us. Once Jenna sends us a child's file for review we will review the file and if we believe this child might be for us we will send the file to an Physician from the Adoption Clinic at Cincinnati Children's hospital. We have already begun a relationship with this doctor and feel so good to have her walking through this with us. She will review the file and give us her best understanding of the child's medical conditions. If we choose to accept the referral then all of the next steps will be actively working to bring that specific little one into our family. We will update on those specifics when we get closer to that time! Honestly, I am not sure I have my head wrapped around those next steps!

If you would like to pray specifically for something today we would love your prayers regarding the coming in of the Ohio clearance!

Thanks!

Why are we doing this?

In the homeschool community there is a concept of a family mission statement and a mission statement for your homeschool. I have met many parents who have created this at the beginning of their homeschool journey as a document to help shape and guide their decisions in their family regarding homeschooling. Many times this includes or folks will add in addition to the mission statement a list of reasons "why" they homeschool. I have even known people who keep this list of reasons hanging on their refrigerator. They have it ready and available to read on the hard days. The days where they are tempted to "put their kids on the school bus." The days where siblings are bickering, or wills are clashing, or the parent is feeling overwhelmed or insecure in their abilities. This lists of "reasons why they homeschool" serves to remind the frazzled parent in the middle of temporary hardships of the bigger picture, and of the MANY blessings in homeschooling that are difficult to see in those trying moments. 

I have a similar list regarding our international adoption. 

Over the course of the past 3 years I have returned to our list of "reasons why we are adopting" on many occasions. I reminded myself the first time I was overwhelmed with paperwork. I reminded myself when the wait grew long. And I reminded myself again when the wait grew longer. I reminded myself when we received the phone call informing us our Ethiopia adoption was at an end... without the 2 children we had been praying for, thinking of, and planning for over the past 2 and a half years. I went back to our list when we sat confused and directionless after the closure of our Ethiopian adoption. I have reminded myself of these reasons when stressed and overwhelmed by financial strain and question of how we will pay the next sum of money due. And I have reminded myself while working on the enormous mountain of paperwork for our China adoption. 

Also this adoption has been long. This is not unusual in the world of international adoption (or domestic for that matter) but there are certainly international adoptions that have gone quicker and smoother than ours! And with that sheer length and the difficulty of this adoption many people in our lives have felt compelled to ask- "why?" Why are you choosing this? Why are you still going forward? Why not just adopt from here? Couldn't you just take all of that money and help many more children in the world? Why not just sponsor children? 

So today I am going to remind myself again "why" and maybe share with some of you who are curious and have similar questions to those I just shared. 

 I see throughout the scriptures instances where God instructs Israel to remember what he has done on their behalf. In our "remembering the why" of our adoption we are simply remembering what God has done in us, what he has called us to, and what he has instructed his people to do in this world. It helps us to hold tighter to his promises, it gives us perspective in the hard times, and causes us to trust him and his sovereign plan and purpose for us and our coming child. 

Adoption has always been something that Dan and I were open to. Before we ever had our biological kids we talked about adopting "someday". But 5 pregnancies in 6 years (2 of those ending in miscarriage) kept us pretty consumed and adoption was put aside. 

Not long after Levi was born both Dan and I became convicted from the Scriptures concerning a Christian's responsibility to be concerned for the poor and oppressed and more specifically concerned for the plight of the world's 153 million orphans. As we read the bible certain verses began to stand out to us BOLD and HIGHLIGHTED. Verses like these that describe the character of God:

"He defends the cause of the fatherless..."

Deuteronomy 10:18

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families..." 

Psalm 68:5,6

Verses like these that call his people to action: 

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."

Isaiah 1:17

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40

"because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear but you received a Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry "Abba" Father. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." 

Romans 8:14-16

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

James 1:27

The scriptures began to show us over and over from the beginning to the end that God is a God of justice. He cares about those oppressed and those suffering injustice. From the earliest books of the Bible and throughout the prophets God chastises Israel when they neglect the poor and oppressed, he rebukes and warns them when they oppress the fatherless and the widow. He also describes himself as a "father to the fatherless". Jesus gives stern warning to those who might lead astray "the least of these" and he goes as far as to say that whatever we do for the "least of these" we are actually doing for him. The oppressed and unknown in this world are deeply cared for by our God and we began to see that as his people we are to deeply care for those suffering oppression in this world today. 

At the same time we began to educate ourselves on the real plight of orphans in the world. The statistics overwhelmed us: 

- An estimated 153 million orphans worldwide

- Every year more than 23,000 children age out of foster care, leaving them without families of their own

-Asia is home to the largest number of orphans in the world 60 million at last count.

- Worldwide an estimated 300 million children are subjected to violence, exploitation and abuse, including the worst forms of child labour in communities, schools and institutions, during armed conflict, and harmful practices such as female genital mutilation/cutting and child marriage.

We were left asking God "what do you want us to do in response to this newfound knowledge and convictions?" 

Adoption was definitely on our radar but we began to try and respond to all God was showing us in his Word and the world by first talking to our congregation about these things. Dan preached a series called "Global God" where he challenged our congregation with passages calling the church to step out of our complacency and comfort and use our vast resources for the benefit of those suffering in other parts of the world. Following that series we began to promote the idea of our congregation partnering with an orphanage in Haiti. They responded positively and as a congregation began to sponsor every child at the orphanage monthly and committed to going to visit the orphanage every year. 

And through all of that God was still calling our family to adoption. 

We love kids, we deeply value family, and we would welcome a large family. We started reading books like Radical and Adopted for Life. After that we just looked at each other and choice was clear- adoption was for us and the time was now. 

Why international adoption?

This is a question we have been asked many times. Really the simplest answer is because that was what we believed God was calling us to. We had been exposing ourselves to the plight of orphans in other countries where the situations that they are living in are desperate and extreme and the children are living in very vulnerable situations. Ours hearts were broken for children orphaned by aids and poverty in Africa. And so we pursued two children from there. 

Why adopt and not just sponsor tons of children with the money you would use for adoption? 

Again- we have been asked this question a few times. I get your thinking on this. The money could go "farther" in a sense if we sponsored. MORE children could benefit in some way. 

We do sponsor children ourselves, we have led our previous congregation to sponsor and build relationships with every child in an orphanage in Haiti, and we deeply believe that our money should be going towards causes of justice and mercy beyond funding our adoption. 

HOWEVER we believe that there is something unique and life changing about the nature of a family. God has designed the family to nurture, provide for, and share faith with children. There are benefits of a mother and father in the context of a family that cannot be replicated by any other institution. 

Also we believe that the ONE child is worth it. What if God dealt with humanity only in terms of the masses? There is something hugely significant that God chooses to know, care for, protect, and save us individually. He is personal and relates to us as unique and special individuals and he has said we are worth it and valued for our unique self. 

Again ONE child is worth the cost. 

When we began this process we scraped together $250 dollars for the application to our agency. Literally- that was all we had. The moment I completed the online application we were given the next step- pay the first agency fee of approximately $3,000. Our hearts sank. We instantly doubted that we had done the right thing. Had we heard God correctly? Money had been one thing holding us back from beginning the process but we sensed God calling us to start. Just start with what we had. So how in the world could we possibly do the next step? I decided to pray and wait. A couple of days later I emailed a few people to let them know we had decided to adopt and asked them to pray for us and our future children. Minutes after I sent the email a family member called Dan to say that they had sensed God leading them to help us financially "if we ever did decide to adopt" over 2 weeks before. They had even had a conversation with their spouse and the two decided together that if that time should ever come they wanted to help. They asked what were our immediate needs- we explained- and without hesitation they paid the agency fee- just like that. 

This is one example of MANY describing God's continual financial provision for our adoption. So far beyond anything we could contribute. 

A few months later we owed around $5,000. Again- scrambling to make that payment. We were considering taking out loans, searching for grants, and looking for ways to earn extra income, Dan shows up to our regional denominational meeting where he is presented with a check- thanking him for his 3 year service to the prebytery- for $5,000. Exactly what we needed- exactly when we needed it. 

God has proven himself faithful to provide for all that we has called us to. Over and over again. We are gaining story upon story to lean on in the years to come. Miraculous stories of God's provision. So if our God holds the earth in his hands and he has called us to adopt one child, I have decided to trust him and  believe that one child is worth the $40,000 dollars that will likely be spent bringing that one child home. There are countless $40,000 cars filling up our parking lots here in Dayton Ohio. We rarely ask the owners of those cars to justify the cost. In this case the cost is spent on bringing a child into a family. Because God has been so bold and evident in providing what we need, I simply trust his decision to spend from his limitless resources. 

We look forward to sharing with our child how God was working on their behalf miraculously providing all that was needed to bring them home to the family he had prepared. 

Why keep going? 

With the closure of our Ethiopian adoption- believe me, this was a question we were forced to ask ourselves. In the middle of some of the deepest discouragement I have ever known, that question came into our minds. It was in those moments I went back to my "why are we adopting" list. I literally went back and read through the entire blog seeking to hear God's call, his promises, and be reminded of his faithfulness to those promises. I searched the scriptures asking God to make clear his will for us. 

And it was all still true. His call hadn't changed, his Word was the same, he HAD done miracles showing himself to us, and our hearts knew we weren't done. 

So we keep going because he has called us to adopt. He has never said it would be easy- but nothing worth doing in this life ever is. The entirety of the Christian walk was promised to be filled with trouble, hardship, and persecution. But he has promised to be with us, to provide for us, and to guide us and sustain us. He is continuing to confirm his will by providing for us in unexpected ways and by giving us peace in the midst of the chaos. 

As we draw closer to actually seeing our child's face we have recently been hit with the realization- they are likely alive right now. Somewhere in China. Are they being cared for? Does someone show them love? Are they hurting? Who is witnessing their first steps and hearing their first words? 

So far the adoption journey has been one of "faith". Trusting in something our eyes cannot see. But we are drawing near to the "seeing" part of this journey. I wonder what Abraham felt when the days drew near for Sarah to give birth. Their many years long journey of believing what God had promised beyond what they could see was almost over. 

No matter what else this journey brings I hope that we will follow Abraham's example of faith. 

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." 

Romans 4:20,21

Beautifully, In Over My Head

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; 

all your waves and breakers have swept over me."

Psalm 42:7

Over the past few years we have experienced God calling us to step out in faith. We have sensed him calling us specifically to adopt and to accept a new ministry call in Ohio- away from our beloved church in Minnesota. These two calls weren't clear or accepted overnight. God used many things to show us his will and move our hearts to trust him and walk forward.

For years Dan has been saying to our Minnesota church "We should always have something going on that stretches us and causes us to trust God beyond what we can do in and of ourselves." And we believe that for the individual believer the same is true.

So over the course of a few years God made clear to us that we were to adopt internationally. Before we said yes to that call I would think about that whole process, all that I could picture was a mountain. A huge, insurmountable mountain of paperwork, money, fears, and unknowns. When we said yes we trusted God to bring us over that mountain, to move that mountain, and show himself faithful.

This past year we sensed God calling us to begin looking for another church to serve. We loved Riverside, our home, our life, our routines, our friends, and the ministry at the church. We were loved, we were still seeing God move and bless the ministry we were doing, we loved them deeply. But we still believed God was calling us somewhere else. We were to trust him again. We trusted that he would show himself faithful.

Though those years of trying to discern the voice of God and beginning to step out in faith there were certain Bible passages and certain songs that seemed to speak into our situation and urge us forward and give us confidence to trust him.

I led worship at Riverside and the song Oceans became a favorite of the congregation and those of us leading. We believe God used the words of the song to call other people to step out in faith in their lives. For many that call was to travel to Haiti and minister to orphans there. For us God urged us to step out in faith in adoption and moving.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

This week I am feeling overwhelmed. 

The mountain of adoption paperwork feels insurmountable. I am responsible for my children's education. There is so.much.to.do to feel like I do that effectively. We are starting a new co-op that will demand a place in our schedule and teaching from me. Dan and I are fully engaged both as individuals and as a family in ministry at the church. So many exciting things happening, but all of them requiring time, energy, and attention from us. I will be leading a new worship team starting in September. Trying to wrap my head around songs, and vision, and details. Our kids schedules- soccer has started again. (can I just say that if I don't sign them up for something, I feel guilty. But every. single. time. I do sign them up for things- I regret it! Anyone other parents there?! :-) ) We are starting a new small group at our house. The craziness of the summer- no the whole year has left me feeling behind and unbalanced in so many areas of my life. 

But all of that. EACH.ONE.OF.THOSE. THINGS- are good. They are things that we truly believe God is placing in our lives for a reason. I am usually ok with cutting things out and reevaluating our commitments and making sure we are not over doing it in our lives. But today- each of these things are good. They are good and hard. And I am starting to believe that these very things are to be what make me rely on and cling to Him as sufficient and provider of all my needs. 

I truly believe that our lives have different seasons. We sang a song Sunday talking about the different seasons of our lives and God's steadiness and faithfulness through them all. I was reminded that he has purposes for each of our seasons. I only have to look back at seasons past to see his hand at work in all of them. The song Sunday was "Desert Song" and it was these words that struck me particularly: 

"All of my life

In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

and

"This is my prayer in the harvest

When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow"

Even during our time in Minnesota we experienced different seasons. Some that felt dry, some that felt like trials, and by the end we experienced this "favor" the song speaks of-  we felt full, we were shown fruit of our labor, and we loved and were loved. 

We left that to begin something new. And the year has been so many things new. We have felt what it means to walk out on water where God calls. We have had and continue to have to trust him in uncharted territory, through fears, lack of faith, questions, and burdens. We are in a season again of being stretched and challenged to something beyond our own strength or abilities. 

As I sang the song Sunday I was reminded that my life is not my own. That I have been filled to be emptied again. I am also reminded of what we have been preaching for years- our lives as believers must be characterized by faith- by pursuing his purposes above our own and trusting in him beyond what we can accomplish. 

So this week as I wade through the paperwork and try to fill the other roles faithfully I am reminded of my need. I know deeply how much I need him to do any of that well. I am trusting that he will use these things for the good of his Kingdom and for making me more like him. 

I heard this great song this morning and was encouraged that feeling overwhelmed or  feeling "in over my head" can bring more glory to Him and cause me to trust and rely on him more. 

And as Paul says, 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

2 Cor. 4:7

A New Direction

This year has been a whirlwind. Most of the time my mind is swirling with what I have to do, difficult emotions in response to major life changes, boxes to be unpacked, children to educate, decisions to make, people to meet, the next meal to be made, major decisions to be processed and prayed for, packing for the next cross country trip, preparing physically and emotionally for our next guests, remembering what "home" we are going home to, trying to find peace and quiet and simple moments of quiet in the midst of all of that.

In November of this past year we made the decision and shared with our church and dearest friends we were moving. That set into motion a couple of months of packing, selling, a house, and saying goodbye to deeply loved people.

Then we moved across the country.

Lived out of suitcases for a month (and in a hotel and at different families houses).

Moved into a condo- with around 1/8 of our things for a few weeks.
Received more of our things and lived with around 1/2 of our belongings for 5 months.

During that time. We began a relationship with a new congregation. Continually meeting and getting to know new people, a new area, and some kind of new daily norm.

During those 5 months we had 5 different groups of people visit us. (which was sweet comforting relief and joy in a somewhat unsettled time).

We made 3 cross country trips (2 Louisiana, 1 Florida) and MANY shorter trips (Indiana, West Virginia, Toledo).

We re-habbed the church manse. Three weeks of many 12-14 hour days cleaning, hauling, painting, painting, painting, fixing plumbing, weeding, cleaning gutters, changing light fixtures, changing outlets, and much much more!

We moved AGAIN into the church manse.

We got MORE of our things from storage. So living now with around 3/4 of our belongings.

Joined homeschool groups. Met people.

Selected and ordered Curriculum for all three kids for our coming year.

Explored the area.

Tried to do school.

Supported Dan as he has initiated many changes and worked to understand the congregation and the dear people in the flock.

We were smacked in the face with cancer. Both Dan's mom and our brother in law were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other. Watching them suffer through intense cancer treatments and all that this disease brings to a person and their loved ones.

Emotions flood in and out of all of this. Bringing complexity to an already maxed out life situation. Excitement for the new. Anticipation of what God will do in this new call and joy at all he is already doing in the church and us. Sadness. Missing our Minnesota friends and our life there daily. Fear and pain for loved ones suffering physically. Major discomfort in not feeling settled and lacking a "normal" routine and sense of home.

And right in the middle of all of that we got a phone call.

All of our work, our hopes, our dreams for our African children ended. As I described in the previous post our agency informed all 50 families in the Ethiopia program we would need to move on. They could not guarantee the state of adoptions in Ethiopia would improve and they felt that the likelihood of us bringing home our children was slim.

We spent the next month processing and praying. We have long felt a burden for and calling toward Africa. So we explored any other possibility there. We found an agency out of Florida that we researched thoroughly and were ready to walk forward in their very new Uganda program. The day we decided to begin the woman I had been closely in contact with from that agency emailed and said they are pausing a bit in their Uganda program due to political circumstances surrounding international adoption there.

Ugh.

Discouragement was at an all time high in those days.

Our second choice was to explore the China program with our original agency. If we stayed at the agency we could transfer a bit more of the money we had paid into our Ethiopia program and we hoped there might be some ease with paperwork since we were already in their system.

I called and talked through the China program with their contact person. China is a special needs program. All children referred from China will have some form of a special need. Some very mild and correctable and other more severe.

We filled out a special needs preference form. To do this I had to research SO MANY medical conditions just to understand the words on the page in front of me! Then we had to mark the conditions we would be open to in our potential child. This is a strange and difficult thing to do. We  tended to mark conditions that were more mild or correctable. We have to be realistic with already having three children and believing we will adopt again in the future.

So I called the China contact from our original agency. I had 20 questions for her and expected a long and fruitful conversation. I was more than surprised when 2 minutes in she says "I have read through your special needs preferences and really I don't see any of these in the children I refer."

WHAT?! We marked 30 different conditions! And I have continually monitored child advocacy sites where I see kids with all of these conditions listed daily who are in need of adoption from China.

We fairly quickly and awkwardly ended our phone call and I just sat and cried.

So discouraged, so frustrated, so many questions.

I immediately decided I would just go on the child advocacy site "Rainbow Kids" and start inquiring about children on there. Each child on there is connected with an American agency looking to find a family for them.

I started sending messages about particular kids to different agencies. With 10 minutes I had an email from Amy at Lifeline Children's Services in Birmingham AL. Her message said, "I am around right now, any chance you are available to talk on the phone now?"

So I called.

And we were given hope and direction. She explained their China program and their agency. And as she talked I knew this was it. I had looked into Lifeline when we began our adoption journey 3 years ago for their Uganda program. They are a known and reputable Christian agency. Their China program is extensive and experienced. They have partnerships with MANY individual orphanages, and the government of China has such a good relationship with them they have entrusted them to privileged lists of children to advocate for. Their mission for their agency is motivated by their relationship with Christ and a vision to live out the Gospel. They do mission work in all of the countries they work in and most of the phone calls I have with anyone from Lifeline we pray before getting off and they encourage us from a place of mature faith.

I filled out an application that day.

We began the process of leaving our original agency and starting new with Lifeline. We were refunded some of the money we paid to our original agency.

For the most part it is like starting over. However 2 things are different and bring a bit of hope to an otherwise depressing task.

1. I have done this before. I have a sense for how to wade through the paperwork process. I know the terminology and we already have many of the needed materials from our previous paperwork.

2. China is significantly different than Ethiopia. China is a Hague country. This means they are a part of the Hague convention. It is an international convention that countries can become a part of if they meet certain criteria and its purpose is to help ensure ethical international adoptions. All of the children to be referred are already in the Chinese system and fully paper ready to have their adoptions  processed and be matched with families. Also China has been doing this for a long time and the process, the system and the timeline are predictable. Also in China adoptions you don't sit on a wait list with other families in the program. You are matched individually from the LARGE number of children already waiting for a family. You can be matched with a child anytime in the process, either now as we do the paperwork or after the paperwork is done and submitted. All of this gives us hope that the process will be faster, more predictable, and smooth.

It took me 6 months to complete all of the paperwork for our Ethiopia adoption. I am shooting for 4 months this time!

Right now I am again up to my ears in paperwork, meetings, checklists, trainings and jumping through hoops daily.

Our next step is to complete another home study. We have been accepted into a local agency who will complete the home study for us. Since Lifeline isn't in OH we have to find someone who will do the home study here and work with our Lifeline representative. We feel confident with this agency and other Lifeline families who live in OH have recommended them.

We would love your prayers.

I will be keeping this site updated as we walk through each step.

For now please pray for:

1. The paperwork to be smooth and gathered quickly.
2. For our home study. For the social worker that we will be assigned, each home visit, the paperwork for that, that timing would be quick.
3. For our future child.
4. That we would keep our eyes fixed on eternal things. That we would persevere and remain hopeful. For increased faith and trust in His good plan.

Worn

Friday afternoon we participated in a conference call with our agency. The call was a private meeting with our agency director, the two Ethiopian program representatives from our agency and all of the families who are currently waiting in the Ethiopia program through our agency. (their are around 50 families waiting for children in our agency). The reason for the call turned out to be the worst of all the options we had anticipated the agency bringing to us. They have decided to end their Ethiopia program and pull out of the country. They are currently one of only a few left still in Ethiopia. They stayed as long as they could with the hopes that the state of adoptions in the country might turn around but have come to the painful decision that it does not appear it is going to anytime soon and the agency simply cannot continue to stay afloat financially with no children to refer to the waiting families. Our agency is staying for the immediate time to help those families who have referrals complete their adoptions but will not (or at least to not anticipate) having any new referrals for the rest of us.

We were given options as to what we can do in response to this new reality. 

1. Stay in the program. This is a huge risk. They are in no way even hinting there will be any more referrals, they are in fact telling us the opposite. You would have to sign an affidavit acknowledging you are aware of this risk. 

2. Change to another one of our agencies adoption programs. The options this agency has are: China, Nepal, or domestic. We do not meet the criteria for Nepal so for us realistically the options here are China or domestic. 

3. Leave this agency and pursue an adoption through another agency who may offer programs in other countries in the world. 

If we stay with this agency money will be transferred to the new program. If we leave we will be refunded close to the same that would transfer. 

We are worn. 

We are left feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. 

We have so many more questions (for God) than answers today. 

Though we knew this was a possibility. (as it has been slow and unstable for most of the time we have been in the program) we are still feeling stunned. It is hard to wrap our heads around what this means for us.

All of the work. 

All of the money. 

All of the waiting. 

All of our hearts poured out. 

All of our hopes- 

dashed. Broken. Unfulfilled. 

We are trying to understand this and desperately seeking God's guidance and direction as to where we go now. What we do next. 

Part of me wants to curl up and just not move in my tiredness, hopelessness, confusion.
I want to give in to those feelings and in to the fear of "what if?".

What if this happens again?
What if we were wrong?
What if there is no child at the end of another paper chase, wait, years praying, hoping?

And this is where I stop. This is where I confront my feelings with bold, clear truth. My feelings must always be in check, held accountable to God's word, and guided firmly by his truth. I must examine this chaotic blur of emotions in the light of his word. I must ask him to remind me, to bring clarity to this situation and to the feelings that come with it.

That is where we are. We are stopping. We are examining. We are remembering. We are seeking. We are STILL waiting on him.

I have to say I have not ever "heard" God speak in an audible voice. But there are times (usually through his word- the Bible) that I know that he is speaking into my life. However, this past week during the conference call with out agency I was crying. I was feeling panic and exhaustion as our representatives made their announcement. And the strongest sense of two words came into my head.
I "heard":

TRUST ME. 

Those words interrupted the jumble of panicky thoughts overwhelming me as we processed this news. It created a space for me to pause, take a deep breath, and seek him. What does he say? How has be spoken into the hard times of his people who have come before me?
To Israel he said these things:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"For I am the Lord, your God, 

who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 

'Do no fear; I will help you.'

' Do not be afraid...

I myself will help you...'"

Isaiah 41: 10, 13, 14

"In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice;

he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on the earth."

Isaiah 42:3,4

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, 

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; 

I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth."

Isaiah 42:16

"Forget the former things; 

do not dwell on the past.

See I am doing a new thing! 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:18,19

"Because the sovereign Lord helps me, 

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore I have set my face like flint, 

and I know I will not be put to shame."

Isaiah 50:7

I believe these truths about God are the same for his people today. So I am trusting his sovereignty over this circumstance and returning to the call he originally placed on our lives to adopt, to care orphans, to advocate for the oppressed. I am remembering. I am reestablishing my conviction and certainty of this call on our lives.

"... if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, 

then your light will rise in the darkness, 

and your light will become like the noonday. 

The Lord will guide you always and he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land

and will strengthen your frame."

Isaiah 58:10

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:

to look after orphans and widows in their distress...."

James 1:27

"He defends the cause of the fatherless... "

Deuteronomy 10:18

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."

Isaiah 1:17

"... those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that make you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry 'Abba, Father'. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."

Romans 8:14-16

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families..."

Psalm 68:5-6

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40

So, here we are. Seemingly starting over. Facing what appears to be an obstacle in the road though maybe it is just a twist in the road that we didn't expect but He had planned all along. We are now setting our face like flint. We are seeking him and his ways. And pressing on. 

We would deeply covet your prayers. 

Would you pray:

- That we would be given clear direction. 

- That we would have clear confirmation of that direction and complete unity as a couple. 

- That God might surprise us with this next phase being miraculously shorter than before. 

-For the children we are working towards. 

- For what we need to begin again. Strength, enthusiasm, conviction, money, open doors. 

- What country, what agency, what child. 

- Wisdom

- For all of the other families in our agency and the others who are leaving Ethiopia and trying to figure out where to go next. 

- For the children of Ehtiopia, who will not be adopted because of these decisions. 

This song describes how we are feeling a bit today: