Worn

Friday afternoon we participated in a conference call with our agency. The call was a private meeting with our agency director, the two Ethiopian program representatives from our agency and all of the families who are currently waiting in the Ethiopia program through our agency. (their are around 50 families waiting for children in our agency). The reason for the call turned out to be the worst of all the options we had anticipated the agency bringing to us. They have decided to end their Ethiopia program and pull out of the country. They are currently one of only a few left still in Ethiopia. They stayed as long as they could with the hopes that the state of adoptions in the country might turn around but have come to the painful decision that it does not appear it is going to anytime soon and the agency simply cannot continue to stay afloat financially with no children to refer to the waiting families. Our agency is staying for the immediate time to help those families who have referrals complete their adoptions but will not (or at least to not anticipate) having any new referrals for the rest of us.

We were given options as to what we can do in response to this new reality. 

1. Stay in the program. This is a huge risk. They are in no way even hinting there will be any more referrals, they are in fact telling us the opposite. You would have to sign an affidavit acknowledging you are aware of this risk. 

2. Change to another one of our agencies adoption programs. The options this agency has are: China, Nepal, or domestic. We do not meet the criteria for Nepal so for us realistically the options here are China or domestic. 

3. Leave this agency and pursue an adoption through another agency who may offer programs in other countries in the world. 

If we stay with this agency money will be transferred to the new program. If we leave we will be refunded close to the same that would transfer. 

We are worn. 

We are left feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. 

We have so many more questions (for God) than answers today. 

Though we knew this was a possibility. (as it has been slow and unstable for most of the time we have been in the program) we are still feeling stunned. It is hard to wrap our heads around what this means for us.

All of the work. 

All of the money. 

All of the waiting. 

All of our hearts poured out. 

All of our hopes- 

dashed. Broken. Unfulfilled. 

We are trying to understand this and desperately seeking God's guidance and direction as to where we go now. What we do next. 

Part of me wants to curl up and just not move in my tiredness, hopelessness, confusion.
I want to give in to those feelings and in to the fear of "what if?".

What if this happens again?
What if we were wrong?
What if there is no child at the end of another paper chase, wait, years praying, hoping?

And this is where I stop. This is where I confront my feelings with bold, clear truth. My feelings must always be in check, held accountable to God's word, and guided firmly by his truth. I must examine this chaotic blur of emotions in the light of his word. I must ask him to remind me, to bring clarity to this situation and to the feelings that come with it.

That is where we are. We are stopping. We are examining. We are remembering. We are seeking. We are STILL waiting on him.

I have to say I have not ever "heard" God speak in an audible voice. But there are times (usually through his word- the Bible) that I know that he is speaking into my life. However, this past week during the conference call with out agency I was crying. I was feeling panic and exhaustion as our representatives made their announcement. And the strongest sense of two words came into my head.
I "heard":

TRUST ME. 

Those words interrupted the jumble of panicky thoughts overwhelming me as we processed this news. It created a space for me to pause, take a deep breath, and seek him. What does he say? How has be spoken into the hard times of his people who have come before me?
To Israel he said these things:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"For I am the Lord, your God, 

who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 

'Do no fear; I will help you.'

' Do not be afraid...

I myself will help you...'"

Isaiah 41: 10, 13, 14

"In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice;

he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on the earth."

Isaiah 42:3,4

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, 

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; 

I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth."

Isaiah 42:16

"Forget the former things; 

do not dwell on the past.

See I am doing a new thing! 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:18,19

"Because the sovereign Lord helps me, 

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore I have set my face like flint, 

and I know I will not be put to shame."

Isaiah 50:7

I believe these truths about God are the same for his people today. So I am trusting his sovereignty over this circumstance and returning to the call he originally placed on our lives to adopt, to care orphans, to advocate for the oppressed. I am remembering. I am reestablishing my conviction and certainty of this call on our lives.

"... if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, 

then your light will rise in the darkness, 

and your light will become like the noonday. 

The Lord will guide you always and he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land

and will strengthen your frame."

Isaiah 58:10

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:

to look after orphans and widows in their distress...."

James 1:27

"He defends the cause of the fatherless... "

Deuteronomy 10:18

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."

Isaiah 1:17

"... those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that make you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry 'Abba, Father'. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."

Romans 8:14-16

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families..."

Psalm 68:5-6

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40

So, here we are. Seemingly starting over. Facing what appears to be an obstacle in the road though maybe it is just a twist in the road that we didn't expect but He had planned all along. We are now setting our face like flint. We are seeking him and his ways. And pressing on. 

We would deeply covet your prayers. 

Would you pray:

- That we would be given clear direction. 

- That we would have clear confirmation of that direction and complete unity as a couple. 

- That God might surprise us with this next phase being miraculously shorter than before. 

-For the children we are working towards. 

- For what we need to begin again. Strength, enthusiasm, conviction, money, open doors. 

- What country, what agency, what child. 

- Wisdom

- For all of the other families in our agency and the others who are leaving Ethiopia and trying to figure out where to go next. 

- For the children of Ehtiopia, who will not be adopted because of these decisions. 

This song describes how we are feeling a bit today: