Beautifully, In Over My Head

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; 

all your waves and breakers have swept over me."

Psalm 42:7

Over the past few years we have experienced God calling us to step out in faith. We have sensed him calling us specifically to adopt and to accept a new ministry call in Ohio- away from our beloved church in Minnesota. These two calls weren't clear or accepted overnight. God used many things to show us his will and move our hearts to trust him and walk forward.

For years Dan has been saying to our Minnesota church "We should always have something going on that stretches us and causes us to trust God beyond what we can do in and of ourselves." And we believe that for the individual believer the same is true.

So over the course of a few years God made clear to us that we were to adopt internationally. Before we said yes to that call I would think about that whole process, all that I could picture was a mountain. A huge, insurmountable mountain of paperwork, money, fears, and unknowns. When we said yes we trusted God to bring us over that mountain, to move that mountain, and show himself faithful.

This past year we sensed God calling us to begin looking for another church to serve. We loved Riverside, our home, our life, our routines, our friends, and the ministry at the church. We were loved, we were still seeing God move and bless the ministry we were doing, we loved them deeply. But we still believed God was calling us somewhere else. We were to trust him again. We trusted that he would show himself faithful.

Though those years of trying to discern the voice of God and beginning to step out in faith there were certain Bible passages and certain songs that seemed to speak into our situation and urge us forward and give us confidence to trust him.

I led worship at Riverside and the song Oceans became a favorite of the congregation and those of us leading. We believe God used the words of the song to call other people to step out in faith in their lives. For many that call was to travel to Haiti and minister to orphans there. For us God urged us to step out in faith in adoption and moving.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

This week I am feeling overwhelmed. 

The mountain of adoption paperwork feels insurmountable. I am responsible for my children's education. There is so.much.to.do to feel like I do that effectively. We are starting a new co-op that will demand a place in our schedule and teaching from me. Dan and I are fully engaged both as individuals and as a family in ministry at the church. So many exciting things happening, but all of them requiring time, energy, and attention from us. I will be leading a new worship team starting in September. Trying to wrap my head around songs, and vision, and details. Our kids schedules- soccer has started again. (can I just say that if I don't sign them up for something, I feel guilty. But every. single. time. I do sign them up for things- I regret it! Anyone other parents there?! :-) ) We are starting a new small group at our house. The craziness of the summer- no the whole year has left me feeling behind and unbalanced in so many areas of my life. 

But all of that. EACH.ONE.OF.THOSE. THINGS- are good. They are things that we truly believe God is placing in our lives for a reason. I am usually ok with cutting things out and reevaluating our commitments and making sure we are not over doing it in our lives. But today- each of these things are good. They are good and hard. And I am starting to believe that these very things are to be what make me rely on and cling to Him as sufficient and provider of all my needs. 

I truly believe that our lives have different seasons. We sang a song Sunday talking about the different seasons of our lives and God's steadiness and faithfulness through them all. I was reminded that he has purposes for each of our seasons. I only have to look back at seasons past to see his hand at work in all of them. The song Sunday was "Desert Song" and it was these words that struck me particularly: 

"All of my life

In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

and

"This is my prayer in the harvest

When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow"

Even during our time in Minnesota we experienced different seasons. Some that felt dry, some that felt like trials, and by the end we experienced this "favor" the song speaks of-  we felt full, we were shown fruit of our labor, and we loved and were loved. 

We left that to begin something new. And the year has been so many things new. We have felt what it means to walk out on water where God calls. We have had and continue to have to trust him in uncharted territory, through fears, lack of faith, questions, and burdens. We are in a season again of being stretched and challenged to something beyond our own strength or abilities. 

As I sang the song Sunday I was reminded that my life is not my own. That I have been filled to be emptied again. I am also reminded of what we have been preaching for years- our lives as believers must be characterized by faith- by pursuing his purposes above our own and trusting in him beyond what we can accomplish. 

So this week as I wade through the paperwork and try to fill the other roles faithfully I am reminded of my need. I know deeply how much I need him to do any of that well. I am trusting that he will use these things for the good of his Kingdom and for making me more like him. 

I heard this great song this morning and was encouraged that feeling overwhelmed or  feeling "in over my head" can bring more glory to Him and cause me to trust and rely on him more. 

And as Paul says, 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

2 Cor. 4:7

A New Direction

This year has been a whirlwind. Most of the time my mind is swirling with what I have to do, difficult emotions in response to major life changes, boxes to be unpacked, children to educate, decisions to make, people to meet, the next meal to be made, major decisions to be processed and prayed for, packing for the next cross country trip, preparing physically and emotionally for our next guests, remembering what "home" we are going home to, trying to find peace and quiet and simple moments of quiet in the midst of all of that.

In November of this past year we made the decision and shared with our church and dearest friends we were moving. That set into motion a couple of months of packing, selling, a house, and saying goodbye to deeply loved people.

Then we moved across the country.

Lived out of suitcases for a month (and in a hotel and at different families houses).

Moved into a condo- with around 1/8 of our things for a few weeks.
Received more of our things and lived with around 1/2 of our belongings for 5 months.

During that time. We began a relationship with a new congregation. Continually meeting and getting to know new people, a new area, and some kind of new daily norm.

During those 5 months we had 5 different groups of people visit us. (which was sweet comforting relief and joy in a somewhat unsettled time).

We made 3 cross country trips (2 Louisiana, 1 Florida) and MANY shorter trips (Indiana, West Virginia, Toledo).

We re-habbed the church manse. Three weeks of many 12-14 hour days cleaning, hauling, painting, painting, painting, fixing plumbing, weeding, cleaning gutters, changing light fixtures, changing outlets, and much much more!

We moved AGAIN into the church manse.

We got MORE of our things from storage. So living now with around 3/4 of our belongings.

Joined homeschool groups. Met people.

Selected and ordered Curriculum for all three kids for our coming year.

Explored the area.

Tried to do school.

Supported Dan as he has initiated many changes and worked to understand the congregation and the dear people in the flock.

We were smacked in the face with cancer. Both Dan's mom and our brother in law were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other. Watching them suffer through intense cancer treatments and all that this disease brings to a person and their loved ones.

Emotions flood in and out of all of this. Bringing complexity to an already maxed out life situation. Excitement for the new. Anticipation of what God will do in this new call and joy at all he is already doing in the church and us. Sadness. Missing our Minnesota friends and our life there daily. Fear and pain for loved ones suffering physically. Major discomfort in not feeling settled and lacking a "normal" routine and sense of home.

And right in the middle of all of that we got a phone call.

All of our work, our hopes, our dreams for our African children ended. As I described in the previous post our agency informed all 50 families in the Ethiopia program we would need to move on. They could not guarantee the state of adoptions in Ethiopia would improve and they felt that the likelihood of us bringing home our children was slim.

We spent the next month processing and praying. We have long felt a burden for and calling toward Africa. So we explored any other possibility there. We found an agency out of Florida that we researched thoroughly and were ready to walk forward in their very new Uganda program. The day we decided to begin the woman I had been closely in contact with from that agency emailed and said they are pausing a bit in their Uganda program due to political circumstances surrounding international adoption there.

Ugh.

Discouragement was at an all time high in those days.

Our second choice was to explore the China program with our original agency. If we stayed at the agency we could transfer a bit more of the money we had paid into our Ethiopia program and we hoped there might be some ease with paperwork since we were already in their system.

I called and talked through the China program with their contact person. China is a special needs program. All children referred from China will have some form of a special need. Some very mild and correctable and other more severe.

We filled out a special needs preference form. To do this I had to research SO MANY medical conditions just to understand the words on the page in front of me! Then we had to mark the conditions we would be open to in our potential child. This is a strange and difficult thing to do. We  tended to mark conditions that were more mild or correctable. We have to be realistic with already having three children and believing we will adopt again in the future.

So I called the China contact from our original agency. I had 20 questions for her and expected a long and fruitful conversation. I was more than surprised when 2 minutes in she says "I have read through your special needs preferences and really I don't see any of these in the children I refer."

WHAT?! We marked 30 different conditions! And I have continually monitored child advocacy sites where I see kids with all of these conditions listed daily who are in need of adoption from China.

We fairly quickly and awkwardly ended our phone call and I just sat and cried.

So discouraged, so frustrated, so many questions.

I immediately decided I would just go on the child advocacy site "Rainbow Kids" and start inquiring about children on there. Each child on there is connected with an American agency looking to find a family for them.

I started sending messages about particular kids to different agencies. With 10 minutes I had an email from Amy at Lifeline Children's Services in Birmingham AL. Her message said, "I am around right now, any chance you are available to talk on the phone now?"

So I called.

And we were given hope and direction. She explained their China program and their agency. And as she talked I knew this was it. I had looked into Lifeline when we began our adoption journey 3 years ago for their Uganda program. They are a known and reputable Christian agency. Their China program is extensive and experienced. They have partnerships with MANY individual orphanages, and the government of China has such a good relationship with them they have entrusted them to privileged lists of children to advocate for. Their mission for their agency is motivated by their relationship with Christ and a vision to live out the Gospel. They do mission work in all of the countries they work in and most of the phone calls I have with anyone from Lifeline we pray before getting off and they encourage us from a place of mature faith.

I filled out an application that day.

We began the process of leaving our original agency and starting new with Lifeline. We were refunded some of the money we paid to our original agency.

For the most part it is like starting over. However 2 things are different and bring a bit of hope to an otherwise depressing task.

1. I have done this before. I have a sense for how to wade through the paperwork process. I know the terminology and we already have many of the needed materials from our previous paperwork.

2. China is significantly different than Ethiopia. China is a Hague country. This means they are a part of the Hague convention. It is an international convention that countries can become a part of if they meet certain criteria and its purpose is to help ensure ethical international adoptions. All of the children to be referred are already in the Chinese system and fully paper ready to have their adoptions  processed and be matched with families. Also China has been doing this for a long time and the process, the system and the timeline are predictable. Also in China adoptions you don't sit on a wait list with other families in the program. You are matched individually from the LARGE number of children already waiting for a family. You can be matched with a child anytime in the process, either now as we do the paperwork or after the paperwork is done and submitted. All of this gives us hope that the process will be faster, more predictable, and smooth.

It took me 6 months to complete all of the paperwork for our Ethiopia adoption. I am shooting for 4 months this time!

Right now I am again up to my ears in paperwork, meetings, checklists, trainings and jumping through hoops daily.

Our next step is to complete another home study. We have been accepted into a local agency who will complete the home study for us. Since Lifeline isn't in OH we have to find someone who will do the home study here and work with our Lifeline representative. We feel confident with this agency and other Lifeline families who live in OH have recommended them.

We would love your prayers.

I will be keeping this site updated as we walk through each step.

For now please pray for:

1. The paperwork to be smooth and gathered quickly.
2. For our home study. For the social worker that we will be assigned, each home visit, the paperwork for that, that timing would be quick.
3. For our future child.
4. That we would keep our eyes fixed on eternal things. That we would persevere and remain hopeful. For increased faith and trust in His good plan.