When We Return Home

Hi friends! We are getting so close to getting on a plane and flying to China to bring our sweet boy home! We have been reading and gone through training for the past 3 years in preparation for coming home with Noah. And we are weeks away from putting these things into practice! We have been preparing for this extensively because bringing home a child through adoption (particularly international adoption) is vastly different from bringing home our newly birthed baby from the hospital. I have done that (3 times) and feel like I have some grasp on how to do that, but this, it is all new! So we have been learning and wanting to pass on a letter our agency, Lifeline Children's Services, has put together on our behalf. This purpose of this letter to help our family and friends also get a sense for what we will be doing differently with Noah and how our relationships with you might be impacted. 

We have felt so immensely loved and supported by all of you during this process! We want to make sure that you have an understanding to our (possibly unexpected) boundaries or behaviors as we work to form healthy bonds and attachment with Noah. We deeply value your friendships and care and want you to know that any boundaries we create for these early weeks and months are simply out of our desire to meet Noah's needs in the most loving and healthy way. And that we do not anticipate these boundaries to be forever, but they will be in place for a time. 

The professionals at our agency explain this better than I could- so please, hear what they have to say! 

Dear Friends and Family,

Lifeline would like to share this letter with you in hopes that it would help explain the changing needs of your family members and friends as they embark on the spiritual and emotional journey of adoption. As they put into action God’s Word to care for orphans (James 1:27) they will need your understanding and compassion. Bringing their adopted child home will present an array of experiences and your continued and ongoing love and support is essential in their child’s acclimation to a new environment.

Things to Consider

As you participate in welcoming home an adopted child there are many things to consider. We ask that you keep in mind the unique experiences the child may have had prior to coming home. Please try to view the world from their perspective and understand that this transition will be challenging. They will be thrust into a world that is completely unfamiliar, which will require a huge adjustment period. There is no definite timeframe for how long this period will last because every child is different. Each specific child’s history plays a major role in what they will need from those around them.

Institutionalization and International Foster Care

Often times, children in orphan care live in facilities that house a large number of children. Orphanages and group homes vary by culture and sometimes these facilities have inadequate resources to meet the needs of all the children. In many instances the ratio of caretaker to children is vastly disproportioned. This system creates an environment where children are not given enough individual attention required for healthy development. Children in international foster care may have developed attachments with caregivers, but there is no certainty these were positive attachments. There can also be an increased sense of grief and loss because these children were part of a family, regardless of how these family units may have been structured. Any of these dynamics have the potential to lead to extensive and ongoing problems in relationships described as an insecure attachment style (Bowlby & Ainsworth, 1991). These children will need time and patience to heal.

Attachment and Bonding

The concept of attachment is the way a child develops relational bonds (Ainsworth, 1963). This is established by the care a child receives from their primary caregiver within the first few years of life. This care can be described as consistently meeting a child’s physical, mental, emotional, and social needs. When this is done a child develops a secure attachment style, which is vital for the formation of trust. Children who experience the loss of their primary caregiver in any capacity or lack having a consistent positive caregiver often have difficulty trusting that their needs will be met. This is why it is crucial for the adoptive parents to establish themselves as the primary caregivers for an adopted child. This is taught by the adoptive parents being the only ones to initially meet all of the child’s needs. To make this easier, we strongly recommend that the parents do not leave home with their newly adopted child often, which is called “cocooning”. As adoption professionals skilled in attachment and bonding we have seen the benefits of cocooning and wholeheartedly believe in the concept. This period lasts as long as a child needs to feel secure with and connected to their adoptive parents. Regardless of the physical age of a child, their emotional needs will be like that of a newborn baby. New people should be introduced to an adopted child in moderation only when they become comfortable with their adoptive parents. Although your assistance with the direct care of the adopted child is not suggested there will be many other ways you can help that would be equally important. We have included a handout with some alternative tasks during the cocooning period.

Practical Tips for the Cocooning Period

Things To Avoid	How You Can Help
Picking up / holding the child	Refrain from asking to hold child / when appropriate hold child facing outward so they can still see mom and dad
Physical contact with adopted child	Please do not ask for kisses or hugs from the adopted child / Respect personal space
Personally giving the child gifts, food, toys, etc	Give items to mom or dad to give to the child
Being left alone with adopted child (ie…babysitting)	Offer to care for biological children so mom and dad can have time alone with adopted child
Parties or large gatherings in adopted child’s presence	When adopted child and parents are ready visit in small groups (1-2)  for short periods of time
Asking detailed or invasive questions to adopted child	Remember to be mindful about the child’s history and respectful regarding their grief and loss
Asking to meet any needs of the adopted child	Offer to meet needs of other children in home like providing transportation to outside activities or cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands for family
Loud talking, music, or other noises that may alarm adopted child	Speak softly, gently, and remain calm in presence of adopted child / Increase awareness of sensory issues
Correcting or disciplining adopted child	Allow parents to handle correcting any behaviors / Be open-minded about differences in parenting children with attachment issues
Criticizing or being judgmental of the parenting styles or techniques of adoptive parents	Read books and articles about attachment and bonding recommended by adoption professionals

Additional Resources

The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Karyn Purvis

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents by Deborah D. Gray

Twenty Things Adoptive Parents Wish Their Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge