Fear

For most of my adult life I have battled fear and anxiety. This likely didn't start in adulthood, though it was not until then that I called it what it was and began working to overcome it's crippling effects in my life. This timing lines up with my complete surrender to God and deep desire to live and grow in him. This timing is no coincidence or accident, it is God's purposeful, sanctifying work in me. This work is far from over, though I am better than I used to be.

For years I have struggled to sleep. My anxious thoughts have burdened me through the night hundreds more times than I could ever count. I have learned over the years to take my thoughts captive and to have boundaries for what kinds of things I allow into my mind. So, for example I don't watch T.V or movies that produce anxiety or fear in me. (I have learned what types of shows will produce that) I basically don't watch the news. (I have found reading the news doesn't produce the same fear and I have more control over what I read) I have put into practice taking control of my thoughts and choosing to not dwell on the fears or anxieties.

I have made it a practice to spend daily purposeful time in God's Word. I have worked to memorize scripture to have in my heart. I have learned through God's guidance and instruction to combat my fear and anxiety with the Truth and Power of God's Word. I have worked to obey his call to pray in the face of fear and rely on his real replacement of fear with faith. Slowly, but surely my fear is being replaced with faith. Steadily the Holy Spirit is changing me from the inside and declaring peace in once troubled parts of my soul. I certainly don't feel as if this work is done. But I am closer today than I was yesterday and much closer than 20 years ago.

Over the years I have also found that huge strides are always made when I step forward, trembling and in faith to follow God's call. Each time I have chosen faith over fear and followed his lead- he has proven faithful. And each time his promises remain true my wavering faith is strengthened, confidence grows and fear lessons. His word can be trusted- He can be trusted. Finding him faithful over and over again changes a person. I have built up this storehouse of personal experiences to pull from to speak truth in the next thing that tempts me to give way to fear and anxiety. I can remember his faithfulness in every one of these other seasons of my life to bring perspective in the next season.

In three days we will board a plane in Detroit Michigan. Me, Dan, Caleb, Sophie and Levi have booked tickets on a non-stop flight to Beijing, China. For all of my life (since my first flight at age 7) I have had a serious fear of flying. It just brings out so much anxiety in me. I have flown lots since then and really, it has never felt normal or exciting- though I'm not as terrified as I once was. When we began this adoption process it was to adopt 2 children from the country of Ethiopia. That process required two trips of 2 weeks long each. And because of the location- it seemed unlikely we would bring along our 3 other kids. From the moment we began the adoption process the flight across the world was on my mind. I realize there are a thousand other concerns and fear most normal people would have about adopting children from another country- but seriously flying across the ocean was truly my biggest. And at the time, the thought of flying across the ocean and leaving my three oldest children in the US left me almost crippled in fear at the thought. I made a decision 3 years ago to not dwell on the upcoming flights but each time I thought of them to pray that God would give me the courage I needed to get on the plane when the time came... oh, and to not let us crash into the Atlantic ocean.

So here we are now. Our circumstances have changed- we are now adopting one child from China. And we feel absolutely confident bringing our three oldest children is the best decision we can make. This process is only one international flight (not 2 like Ethiopia). While we don't know fully why God caused such a detour (at least in our eyes) in this process we have seen all along that these changes have served a bigger purpose. And have brought us to the child God ordained for our family before the creation of the world.

He has also shown us grace. The trials of a disrupted adoption gave us many more opportunities to trust our Shepherd. The following of his lead and finding his guidance sure and good deepened our trust in Him and His purposes. He has given grace in the worst of trials and he has shown us grace in these little things like:
- One flight
-  China- a more stable and westernized ending point- minimizing some of the fears associated with potential unrest in Africa
- All my children next to me on that plane.
- And so much grace shown in working longer on my fearful heart- bringing me to this point for this next step.

When talking with people lately about these upcoming flights I almost say "I'm going to be terrified getting on the plane" BUT I STOP MYSELF. And have made this recent decision to say instead "I am praying for courage and right now feel at peace."

There are other thoughts and questions that tempt me to fear or become anxious about this upcoming season of our lives:
- a child getting lost in the insanely crowded China
- anxiety about how Noah is going to respond to us
- will we know how to do this?
- will my big kids handle the stress of all of it well?
- will we get sick while there?
- The flight home.

Every time I am tempted to dwell on these possibilities in a spirit of worry is another chance to put faith into practice, even in my thoughts alone. So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm sure to fail at times- but Paul explains that even in that failure and weakness I can find hope.  Because in 2 Corinthians 12 God makes us a promise:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

so Paul replies (and I echo)

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I would personally love your prayers in these next few days for:

- clarity of mind as I finish packing and gathering what we need
- courage as we step on the plane and into the next season of our lives

We're so so thankful for all of you and your encouragement, prayers and support!